Oh Stella, you are definitely meant to be in this family!!!

Yesterday while visiting family, our little Stella was out playing with the kids when she slid on some snow, fell over and then proceeded to not be able to walk!  I was able to touch/rub/check all of her, and it appeared nothing was  wrong, but it was as if her right front leg was out of its socket or something but there was no crying, nothing, unless she tried to walk.  Steve and I took her to the vet ER  (yes, they have them!!) close to my sister in laws house, where I had visions of humongous vet bills, doggy surgery, broken legs, etc. and after an hour wait (nap for Stella!) I brought Stella out to pee, placed her in the grass fully prepared to hold her up if need be- and she was able to both stand up, and walk with a slight limp.   We waited to see the dr and just be sure all was ok.  The dr says it was quite possible that her shoulder could have came partially out of her socket, and we could've  popped it back in when we checked her out ourselves.  

Steve and I laughed after, we were like two parents of a brand new baby.  I almost felt foolish for bringing her in, but with three devastated kids left back at my sister in laws, there was no way we weren't getting her checked!  Thankfully, all is ok, and Stella is supposed to " take it easy" the next couple of days! 

Here is a pic of Stella, lazily napping in the puppy ER!  

Proven yesterday, Stella belongs in this family, with a visit to the ER in her first 10 weeks of life! ;)

Winter blues....

...they can't get me down!   At least, I will try to not let them!  On a day where I have every hour scheduled, I wanted to take just a moment to check in.  I have been frantically running around the last few days, trying to get things set, so I can head off for a long weekend away in Florida, a chance to root on our boys, The Patriots, as they squish the fish on Sunday! I can't wait for some fun in the sun, and some warm air on my sore achy joints!   I am actually here to complain a little...what other mom friends will sympathize with, my husband does not !  What he is not realizing is that in order for us to get away this weekend, I need to have so many other things lined up!  Setting up a babysitter, making sure there is food in the house, lining up rides, and school, and drop offs, and pick ups, doing laundry, not just for the kids, but for us to pack, (you think He is capable of doing that himself???), and lets add on the fact that Christmas is in about 12 days or so, and I have to shop, wrap, hide, and also the Christmas Party we are hosting the weekend prior...no problem to cook, clean, organize and be calm so you can entertain 75 people in your home...no problem at all for a person who has no strength in her hands, has days of pain and weakness, and who has bouts of nausea and all the other "fun" stuff that goes along with a completely invisible, debilitating disease!  Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to every last minute of it all, and I work best under pressure, if I do say so myself! But just for once, I would love it if my husband showed me the empathy that I get from others...I'm not in no way badmouthing him, I am just wishing he would "get it"!

Next Week is crazy as hell as well!  I am scheduled for a bone density, nurse appt to "learn" how to give myself my newest injection, as well as an appt with my Rheumy. - all in the same day.  Why I thought it was a good idea to schedule it the week before the kids get out on winter break, the week I have to pick up my son from college to come home for the holidays, the week that my kids have holiday shows, xmas parties, and all that fun stuff...I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea, BUT - I am looking forward to the next step, starting a biologic, along with my MTX (chemo shot) - and praying to find some relief and kick some RA ass! 

SO, if I do not get back online, to blog, post on FB, or any of that other stuff, I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas with their loved ones! 

Be well,
xo MB

It's been a minute..

...or two since I last checked in!  Happy to say, I am alive and doing what I would think is pretty well.  I took a bit of a hiatus from bitching and complaining, because honestly, I was sick of hearing myself! It's been a rough year for me and my family, things have happened that sometimes I find myself sitting and thinking, "Is this really my life?  How did I get here?"  It just seems that it has been one bad thing after another, and if you've ever been faced with a similar situation, you know as well as I do, people really don't want to hear about it, so that is usually when I take a step back!  

So - Here I am after two nights or barely any sleep, on the cusp of thinking that MTX is finally working for me,  when I realize I am definitely keeping my appointment with my Rheumy-NP this week.  I am ready to try something new.  I am really ready to dive in, and move past this time in my life.  I hit a bit of a bump about a month ago, and had some other health issues come up. I have been back and forth to appointments between different doctors, blood labs, etc.  I am really ready to feel good again!

The Holiday season us upon us, and we all tend to get lost in the hustle and bustle of busyness of it all, this year I am going to be sure to take the time to be grateful for all that I have, and forget about all the other stuff that brings me down - if you have similar struggles, I hope you get a chance to do the same.

Happy Veteran's Day to all, and though I think it's not enough; I say thank you to those who have, who will someday, and who are out there right now - fighting for our freedom, a million times, thank you!


Until next time, be well!
mb

Mid flair..

Mid flair fever!  So along with pain, and all the other crap- the feeling like I am burning up! Good times! 

Race for a Cure - Done!

Love my girls!

Me and my sisters! <3 p="">

 

 

Our "team" raised over $3,700 with donations still coming in..all walking for the same reason - to support mom! 

Mom in the middle, surrounded by all of us in this fight with her!

 

 <3 p="">

I can't say enough, how proud of my kids I am.  To be dedicated to a cause, and helping others! 

With Grammie - my kids would do anything for her!

 

They are in this together - walking, running, whatever...together!

When my girls saw the roses at the finish line, they had to get some for Grammie!

 

 

 

I know I have thanked everyone, but I can't say it enough!  The support we received from our friends has been astounding!  We have all discussed, and agreed that it's an eye opener. Those you expect the support from, don't always pull through, and then those you least expect it from, pay it forward without a second thought.  We are so blessed to have such good people in our lives!

 

Next year , we run!  This weekend's Race for a Cure was the start of a tradition.

 

Everyday there seems to be new news of someone I know who has been diagnosed.  Cancer, in any form, does not discriminate.  I stand with my best girlfriends every morning, and we look around and wonder if one of us will be next.  I will continue to do what I can, to help raise funds and awareness, until there is a day when I don't need to worry for myself, my mother, my sisters, my daughters, and my friends.  Someday there will be a cure!

 

 

Damn you RA!!!

I ended up with a blister on my toe last Monday when I wore closed- toe "cute" shoes on a cool day.  It has been so sore and has bled every day since!  I heal a LOT slower than most people who are not on the chemo drug and steroid!  I wore sneakers today and took them off to a blood filled sneaker and sock!  Afraid I may be infected and I am going to have to call my dr and see if I have to stop my med and allow it to heal!  My walk is Sunday, and I will be damned if this stops me from walking!!!!😩

Hello Autumn!

Autumn has always been my very favorite season, but this year I seem to be embracing it's return more than ever!  Cooler days, no humidity, and not yet freezing my ass off  - ideal weather for my body now.  I feel excited to check the weather and see it's supposed to be a crisp 65 - I only wish it could be like this every day!  :) 

The past week I have been feeling much better than how I was feeling in my last few posts.  I find myself planning more and more activities that I usually have to second guess.  This Sunday is our Race for  Cure, and with Sunday's and Mondays being my toughest days, I can only keep wishing that I will be in prime shape come the 29th.  I want to again thank everyone for their continued support.  I still feel so humbled by the amount of people who have made donations to us.  I have said it over and over, and will continue to say it - as much as Cancer Sucks, it has a way of bringing people together. 

If anyone can make any last minute donations, here are the links to both my personal fundraising page, and the kids page too!

http://www.komenmassrace.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1079598&lis=1&kntae1079598=651EC50F09EB4DBEA3D290BD2689B0B8&supId=389825087&team=0&nmv=true

http://www.komenmassrace.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1079598&lis=1&kntae1079598=BDDFA8713AA341C894369DB1CE918092&supId=390483145



From time to time, you will be surprised to see that I have nothing else to say.  I have no real  complaints today, and for that I am thankful!  :)

Be well,
MB

Rheumy Visit...

I saw my dr today.  I really do love her, despite the fact that her staff is made up of idiots.  She spent a good amount of time with me.  Frustrating little tidbit of information, all of my bloodwork came back perfect yet again, so MTX isn't causing any ill side effects that would warrant stopping it.  One of the things they test is your inflammation level, and my level was < 1 .  That's less than one!  I can't even imagine how a person must feel if their level comes back at greater than one! Because I was climbing the walls, restless and in so much pain, at that low level.  I just can't even imagine!
Rheumy was happy to hear  and I was happy to be able to report that I have gotten some relief after last week...pain on a scale of 1-10 at a 4 today , when just days ago it was at a 35!  (no joke, it was awful!) 

We have decided to higher the dose of one of the RA drugs I am on(sulfasalazine), keep the MTX where it is, and in the next 4 weeks we will be adding in a Biologic - all while slowly tapering off the steroid..which I can't wait to be off of!  She just wants to give me a couple more weeks to have the MTX build up and be closer to therapeutic.  Biologics come in two forms, either a self administered injection, similar to the MTX injection I am currently on, or an infusion via an IV, which would take place in the doctors office.   There is no "if' with this, this is happening.  I am very happy to continue to be aggressively treating this, and though I had some tough times last week - I do still have hope to get this disease into remission!  I'm too stubborn to give up just yet!  :)

be well,
mb

3 am ramblings....

It's 3 am, and I have broken the cardinal rule of sleeplessness- I have resorted to an electronic device! 

This is my 5th night of little to 

no sleep since last Saturday.  Being a person that has never slept good, at least in the last 20 years- you would think this is something I was used to.  It's not so when your body is fighting a war against itself.  I am in the midst of a "severe flare" in regards to my RA, or PsA, or to sum it up- inflammatory arthritis disease that is kicking the shit out of my body right now.  To help you better understand- imagine falling feet first, off a 3 story building- and shattering both of your ankles.  Imagine now, being expected to walk away from such an accident, no acceptable treatment, except the will to "get through it" .  Now imagine having injured your back in the same accident, and again- not much you can do, but get through it. You can however, increase this one little miracle drug- in my case, this is called medrol.  Medrol is responsible for my racing heart and extreme night sweats that are coupled with the pain I am having, which is keeping me awake tonight...er..this morning! (And last night,the night before., the night before that.....) 

Right this very moment, I feel like I am fighting a battle I can not win.  Right now, I am so angry that I feel like that!  Because I know that things take time- I know this!  But I have no patience.   I know for a fact, if I don't have three little smiling faces to get up and take care of every single day- this disease would be close to beating me!  And again, I am so angry for feeling like this- that I have to attribute this feeling of defeat to the exhaustion I am feeling after a long week! 

Spent a deal of time back and forth on the phone with my rheumys office today. (See rant earlier...I was ready to kill someone!)  I see her Tuesday, but as one of her NP's told me today, with the doubling of the steroid , I should hopefully be feeling "much better by then".. But for now I just have to "get through it"  can I tell you how much I wanted to reach through my phone, grab this woman by the neck, throw her down a flight of stairs, and tell her to "get through it"  I find even people in the medical field, who "get it"- really DON'T get it!  And honestly- responding "I'm sorry" doesn't do a damn thing for me either.  (I blame this small rant- yet again on the increase of steroid)

In about 16 hours, I will be giving myself my 4th MTX injection- rheumy says could take up to 8 more to be therapeutic- 8 more possible injections-8 weeks...I got this!  This is a miracle drug for a lot of people- praying it ends up being mine too!

I am off now to break the second rule of sleeplessness- and turn

 the TV on, with hopes of finding something I really have been looking forward to watching- so I can fall asleep and miss out on it!  😉

Until next time, be well!

Mb

Got a gripe!

I just want to say, if you answer the phones for someone, and you are the person responsible for taking a message - do your fucking Job!  If you work for a dr (my fucking dr!!!), a lawyer, anyone - you are the person who is representing that company at the time you answer that phone!   I am SO sick and tired of calling people, to find out that my messages are not delivered, or not reciprocated correctly!  Don't be the reason that I give up hope on this dr that I really do like so dearly!  And do not seem surprised when I say to you, "You are the person I spoke to, why haven't I been called back!"  Because what I really want to say is "seriously, do your fucking job - you suck, suck suck!!"   I am so surprised when I relay to my dr that I have called multiple times, to not receive a call back - and they are like "well that doesn't usually happen" - because their STAFF SUCKS - it has happened to me 3 times!!!  One time So again, if you are that person, you chose to do that job, you are representing a business - DO YOUR DAMN JOB RIGHT!!!

rant over!
mb

another day....

It seems the last couple weeks have probably been the busiest of my life (not really, but you know!)  The days have ran into one another, and here we are, at the end of the second week of September!  I find myself overwhelmed with a ton of emotions, that don't mix so well, and to put them into words doesn't come easy at times. 

12 days ago we dropped Jeremy off at Westfield State.  What a day that was.  Very emotional for most.  It's been quite an adjustment for all of us, but things seem to be settling in well, for Jeremy, and for us here at home who miss him a lot.  4 days after leaving him, Jeremy celebrated his 19th birthday, for the first time in his life, I didn't see him, hug him, kiss him and wish him a happy birthday in person.  Just typing that out, brings tears to my eyes.  Like I said, he seems to be settling in ok.  Hasn't been easy, but he is still there!  We will see him on the 21st when we head out to WSU for family day!

Yesterday being the anniversary of 9/11 -  a somber day around here, just like anywhere I guess.  My kids were instructed to come home and ask us parents, "Where were you that day, and how did you feel?'  I was at work, at a biotec company, sitting at my desk.  The EH&S guy came running into the office, where I sat at my little cubicle, and said "A plane just flew into the World Trade Center!" me, not even putting two and two together, thought "the world trade center, how is that possible, it's only like two levels high!"..being a local, you will know I was thinking the WTC Boston.  The company I worked at, the home offices were located at Rockefeller Center, which you know is just a few blocks away from where everything was happening.  Our email, phones, all systems, were down pretty immediately.  We went over to the main building, to the break room, just in time to watch the second plane fly into the other tower.  I had never felt so helpless in my life.  To describe the emotions I was feeling, I don't think I can put them into words.  To bring you back a couple of days, I had spent the day just a few days earlier, at the dr's office, trying to confirm what was later to be my pregnancy with Samuel. After many ultra sounds, my dr was thinking my pregnancy was not viable, and I was to go back on the 11th,for a repeat ultrasound, and then to schedule a D&C.  I didn't go to the dr's that day - but a couple days later, to find a strong heartbeat, and a viable pregnancy - something that gave me some hope and a reason to smile amidst the terror going on in the world.  I stayed at work as long as I could that day, then rushed to pick Jeremy up at school. I remember sitting on my sofa the evening of 9/11, watching the news with Steve, an old friend, and Jeremy.  When Jeremy finally begged us to "make it stop!", when they kept playing the footage over and over, I remember silently thinking to myself, "why am I even thinking of bringing another baby into this world, what am I doing!"..  Much like the rest of the world, I spent the next couple days glued to the tv, crying, terrified out of my mind.  I told my kids yesterday, a summary of what I just told you, and told them that I couldn't describe exactly how I felt that day, but I knew I never wanted to feel that way again, ever.

We are all back in the swing of "back to school" schedules and routines.  It's been an easy adjustment for us this year, thankfully! 

On the health front, I am feeling very frustrated.  I have to look back at dates, but I am pretty sure I am about 7 weeks into MTX - and I still feel shitty.  I am also discouraged because again, a phone call to my new dr has gone unanswered.  Is it that hard to call a person back?  In a moment of self doubt, I actually started to feel like an idiot for calling, wondering if maybe my complaints are just silly.  I know they aren't, but was just giving my doctor an invalid reason for not calling me back.  I have been pushing myself a lot lately.  Not really taking some days to rest.  I feel it at the end of a day, when I find myself in bed by 8pm because I just can't stay on my feet any more.  These are the days that I spend some time getting very angry.  Angry and sad.  Wondering if this is how I am going to be, for the rest of my life.  A tired, sore, bitter at times, half rate version of myself.  I am sick of just not feeling good.  Sick of feeling like a 95 year old woman.  Sick. Of. It.

Just over two weeks until the Komen Race. To date, me, my sisters, and my kids have raised about $2,500 dollars!   Thank you again for everyone's support, donations, and outright kindness!  It's clear I will be *walking* this race, and not running like I had hoped.  I would crawl on my hands and knees if I have to.  The local newspaper is covering the race, and they contacted me this week, and asked if they could talk to me about why I am doing the race this year.  I have an interview today over the phone - kinda neat if you ask me! :)

I had much more on my mind today, but I have to be off to rouse the troops and get them moving....

Be well,
mb

Everyone has their own reasons to keep trudging forward...

Here are some of mine......

MTX, shoot me up baby!

All joking side, I have started to become a teeny bit anxious about my upcoming MTX injection.

I spent an hour or so late last night/early this morning, as I was restless and sleepless, reading up on many people's experiences of self administering their doses of MTX , and they took the time to share their story, answer questions, etc.  I have picked up my prescriptions of needles and meds, and have to say, I am very intimidated by the needles.  I am not a needle phobic person, but for some reason, looking at them - freaks me out some!  I believe they appear to be these large needles, but after all my reading, everyone has said how they are small, and really not that bad.  It's a mental thing, I am sure.  I just keep reminding myself that I will feel better!
 
I spoke to the new NP  this morning and got the results of my MRI I had last week, it "proved existence of Rheumatoid Disease, or Inflammatory Arthritis" ... as if I had any doubt!  When I hung up the phone, I felt a sense of relief at the news.  For some reason I keep looking for justification of all this pain I am in.  It leads me back to the first dr I saw, who was making me feel like I was crazy for all the symptoms.  The dr who told me "your ankle pain is not related to RA, it's from old basketball injuries" - and brings me right back to the day when I left his office, feeling hopeless and defeated, which was later followed up by determination and stubbornness!  I refused to accept that that was it for me, a life of pain, and "resting" to make myself feel better.  I don't have time to rest!  I am so glad I sought out another dr, and refused to settle into the life the first told me I "had' to live.

I have become a fan of another blog, which is written by a women who also has RA.  She is beyond educated in the disease, and I could never compare to her in regards to her knowledge, etc.  What I can compare to is, when she writes about how she feels, when she gets personal, I feel like I am reading my own words.  I could be the person "saying" everything she is saying. I thought I would share a recent article that she wrote, where I feel like after my experiences lately, I could have written it word for word.

http://rawarrior.com/what-would-the-car-mechanic-say-if-you-didnt-look-sick/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+RheumatoidArthritisWarrior+%28Rheumatoid+Arthritis+Warrior%29


So, as I mentioned - tomorrow is the big day.  My first MTX injection.  The first day of the rest of my life, Wish me luck!

Be well,
MB

dealt a bad hand...no problem!

Restless sleep last night. Probably the worst since my inflammatory arthritis diagnosis.  I tossed and turned, uncomfortable with back and ankle pain.   It was one of those nights where every little bit as I lay awake, my mind became my worst enemy!  As I sit here at 5:04 am, "enjoying" my first cup of coffee because I couldn't lay there anymore, I figured I would run down my stretch of bad luck, and ask what the hell we did to deserve this?  To start, I am not asking to host a pity party, I am merely just caught up in the thoughts of so many things that have happened in the this past  year of 2013, and honestly having a "why  me??" moment!  I started off my year, (and this blog really!) with a health scare of my own, being a tumor in my breast, that was later found to be benign.  I received my diagnosis of RA at some time in March/April, so say in the Spring.   Fast forward to Summer, my mother receives a breast cancer diagnosis on the very day that I have my 6 month follow up to find out my tumor has not grown, therefore does not have to be removed.  My son goes away in a sudden rush to football camp, with the promise of a starting position, only to be sent home 12 hours later, in a emotional set back, because someone else showed up and preformed better on day one, and on that very day, my poor mother in law falls in my back yard during my girls 10th birthday party, and she breaks her arm and hip!  The very next day, Isabella crashes in a go cart, and she has what we are still hoping to be a minor neck injury, as we follow up with a spine specialist at Children's Hospital today.  Ok people, when can I say, enough is enough???   When does someone, God, or who ever is in charge of making things happen, realize that my family has gone through enough???   My immediate family, as well as my extended family who has had a rash of their own medical problems as of late, has had enough!  I think we deserve a "bye" in the next round.  I think we are all such good people, that we really do not deserve to be dealt such a bad hand... Really, when is this all going to stop?  I am emotionally, physically and any other form that I can be, exhausted!  I am really not sure one family can take any more...2013, you can hurry up and end, because we are ready to start fresh and new...bring on 2014!

In RA news...I paid an unexpected visit to my dr's office yesterday.  This past weekend was very hard.  I woke up Saturday, barely able to stand.  My ankle pain, which is setting off my back pain, has been at an all time high.  After seeing a wonderful NP, who I may even like more than my dr,  she has come to the conclusion that it is already time to make the change from oral MTX , which my body is not absorbing, to injections, which my body will fully absorb.  I am having an MRI on Thursday of my ankles and feet, then I follow up with her on Tuesday, as well as have an "injection" lesson and receive my first MTX injection then too.  It is being decided, based on the results of the MRI - as to whether I will be adding in a biologic injection in addition to the MTX,   I am done feeling like shit, and feeling like I can't do things.  I am ready to take on the next step in this battle, and change the way I am feeling. 

Before I go, I want to take a minute and tell everyone how completely overwhelmed I am with the support and donations I have received toward my Race for a Cure.  From my mom, my sisters and I, I can not say thank you enough!!  We all understand that this disease effects just more than us, and we know with our efforts, and the efforts of those who are around us, supporting us either mentally, or via a monetary donation, that some day we really will make this a Breast Cancer Free world!  So again, thank you! <3 p="">

The sky is getting light, and my coffee is getting cold, until next time, be well!
mb
xo

emotional day hangover!

That's what I feel like I have.  A hangover!  I still can't believe that my little teeny babies turned 10 years old yesterday!  I keep saying , "where has the time gone?"  I feel like I have blinked my eyes and I went from having these tiny 4.5 lb precious mini's - to these young women, who have somehow formed their own opinions on everything in the world! 

I spent a few minutes this morning, looking through Sam's 5th grade yearbook.  I finally just wrote him a message in it, because I couldn't seem to wrap my head around all I wanted to say to him at the end of the school year.  My heart is so full when it comes to Sam, he is a special boy, that a lot of people don't understand.  Except for me, I fully "get" him, so you can imagine the tears that flowed when I finally finished what I had to say to him.  Now I will just leave it, and let him come across it in his own time.  :)

This picture above makes me smile like a cheese head.  How much they  have changed and grown, and still, how beautiful I think they are.  Not just in looks, but in the people that they are becoming.  I am not sure everyone will understand when I say this, but I am sure that most parents will - but sometimes I almost feel heartbroken with pride, at what good kids I have. I feel guilty for being so lucky!  And I wonder sometimes if this feeling will ever go away?  I really hope not!   When I think about it, I hope that when my own mom looks at myself, my sisters and brother, I only hope she can feel a fraction of the pride about us, that I feel about my own kids!

So, my reason for being all sloppy with emotion today is because yesterday threw a curve ball at me.  We found out that Jeremy will be playing football after all at Westfield, and he is to report to training came 9am, SATURDAY morning!!!  THIS SATURDAY MORNING!  I was not quite ready for this because we had never heard anything back after he sent in his "highlight reel".  He went yesterday, hoping to find out if he could be a "walk on" - and the next thing he knew he was being shuffled around by the athletic director and football coach, with a guaranteed position of punter, and information about how he was to report to camp on Saturday for the next few weeks! um, WHAT?   I thought we had more time!   I am not ready!  I do not have everything ready for him to move into dorm life, and emotionally , well forget it..I can't delve into how I am emotionally about all this, no one has time for that.  I summed it up though: I am not ready!  There have been so many emotions over the past couple weeks, most of them being in the sad form, so I am just ready for emotions of the good kind!  This is an amazing opportunity for Jeremy, and again, I could not be more proud!

Now for some RA crap - I am not sure I mentioned speaking to my dr the other day.  My MTX dose and my prednisone dose have both been upped.  All of my bloodwork came back free and clear.  My liver is functioning fine, vitamin D is good, white cells, etc.  Physically, I am doing so bad.  I have not felt "good" in a couple weeks.  From med side effects, to RA symptoms, this disease is kicking my ass.  I have had some private breakdowns, where I dread getting out of bed in the morning, because putting my feet on the floor hurts - standing weight on my ankles, unbearable!  Brushing my hair, and the girls hair, is a task in of itself.  My wrists and thumbs are sometimes just not functional.  They hurt like as if they are broken, and at times I can just hold them to my body ,because sometimes that is all that feels good.   I am ready to feel good again.  I am sick and tired of feeling like this, so it is time for these damn medications to start doing their job and working!  I AM ready for this!

I am off to enjoy my coffee in the quiet of this morning before the troops awaken!  It seems a beautiful day is upon a is, I hope you get to enjoy it! 

Be well,

Mb

10 years ago..

......at just about this very moment, I called my mother.  I was 33weeks 6 days pregnant with identical girl twins.  I told her " I just feel funny, I don't think this is it, I just think something is up"..all this after being home for about a week, after being in between Winchester Hospital, and Beth Israel Hospital, on bed rest from the time I was 19 weeks pregnant.  I spent roughly 17 weeks, in bed..fighting for these two little miracles to make it into the world.  I just "knew" it was nothing...I called my sister Shannon, who came to sit with my boys while I went to the hospital to get checked out.  I even told her "I'm just getting checked, I will be back in a couple hours!"...Little did I know, I was just about 10 centimeters and these girls were far more than ready to make their arrival.  That night my life changed forever!!!  Isabella Anne was born at 12:56 AM, and Grace Marie was born at 1:01 am, on August 14th, 2003.

 

I was sitting around tonight, not feeling my best, looking at old pictures, and of course saying how much I can not believe the last 10 years have flown by!! 

Today was a tough day, filled with a lot of pain...but also with lots to do, so I can't let RA stop me.  I had my first round of post MTX bloodwork done, and all of my levels were perfect.  I put a phone call into my doctor, and she has decided to increase a couple of my medications.  I am really hoping in the next couple weeks to get things under control, because I have some "training" to do!  My sisters and I are all registered to participate in this years Susan G. Komen, Race for the Cure in September.  I know it's probably not a feasible goal for me, but it's just that - a goal.  I know I can sit and hold my mothers hand, and be there for her as we all go through this together.  But I have set a goal to get out there and DO SOMETHING!   I'm going to run the 5 k, and I am going to raise some money, and together, me and my sisters are going to make a difference. 


Please feel free to visit my personal page, and make a donation!  I greatly appreciate any, and all support! :)
http://www.komenmassrace.org/2013/iammaribeth

Off to finish planning a double 10th birthday celebration!

Be Well,
MB

Hours earlier...

Had a wonderful day with my mom, her friend, my mother in law and sister in law- as well as my maniac kids! 

 All my company  is just about to leave, planning an earlier night ,so I Took my MTX hours earlier with hopes that tomorrow won't be as bad as last Sunday!  Fingers and toes crossed!

Saturday..

My Saturday's are usually filled with the craziness of having 4 kids, a home, yard, etc. It almost always involves running from one field to another, to mowing ht elawn, working in the garden, cleaning the pool..laundry, cleaning..all that fun stuff!  As of late, it is also my MTX day.   While I was just whipping up a gourmet (yes, I cook gourmet! (: ), omelet for myself and Steve to share, I suddenly realized that it was an MTX day.  My heart got a little heavy, because I know that the next two days are so are going to be awful!  As awful as I think they are going to be, I know it could be worse.  I am not going to talk too much in detail of the struggles my family has been faced with very recently, but I will share this; About a week ago we were all shocked with a breast cancer diagnosis that my mother received.  It has taken some time for us all to process this.  I will not share in detail all that is going on, as my mother is a very private woman, but I will say that we, as a family, (me, my family, my sisters and brother, and their familites) are in this together. We are all moving forward, and preparing to fight the fight of a lifetime, with my mother, for my mother and we know this cancer does not stand a chance!

SO, MTX day or not. I am going to tackle the things that I need to get done, and I am going to smile about it.  I am going to have a BBQ with some family, and I'm going to laugh and cherish the time.  Tomorrow may be a bad day, and the coming weeks there may be some struggles, but all we have is today, so live it up, love those around you, and as always, be well!

-MB
xoxo

And so it begins....

Thank you MTX! 😖

MTX 1, MB 0

Second dose of MTX last night... Literally kicked my ass.  Been in bed all day!  It has to get better... No, it will! 

Be well, 

MB

3 days post first MTX treatment...

Thank you to those who have checked in on me to see how I am feeling, I really do appreciate your sincere concern and care! :)   As of today, I can say - I feel no better!  I have had some waves of nausea, and it seems that by early evening, I am having more difficulty walking, and the use of my hands is painful.  I know it's early, and we will have to wait it out some time - but anxiously awaiting to feel some relief! 

I have spent a good deal of time on the web, looking for any information that I can print out for Steve, and the kids to read, to understand better what is going on with me. More so, I need them to realize that I am in no way exaggerating my pain, tiredness, etc.  I know it must be extremely hard for them to all understand that I am feeling this way, when most days I just push through and get the things done that need to be done, but the last couple days, I have given in, and rested as needed. I really can't go on sometimes.  So taking care of me is the priority! 

On another note, I have an appointment for my 6 month follow up regarding the tumor in my breast.   I will have an ultra sound and see the surgeon, to find out if there has been any growth, and we will figure out what the next step is!  Never a dull moment!

Will check in tomorrow, when I know more!
Until then, be well!
mb
xo

Chemo night!

I have to be honest, didn't think I be nervous about taking some meds!  My hand was shaking as I tossed these into my mouth and washed them down with a glass of water!  I decided to start my MTX a night early, in case I got sick, I didn't want to be home alone with the kids the first time, so at least I will have Steve with me tomorrow!  Anyhow, wish me luck- feels good and liberating to take charge if my health!  

Doctor update....

My new doctor was wonderful!  She spent 1 hour and 10 minutes in the exam room with me.  She answered every single question, did a thorough examination, and talked long winded about the many options I have.  She gave me HOPE!  Hope that I will not be living in pain for the rest of my life.  It's a long road, but I am going to get there! 

Chemotherapy - .....not just for Cancer Treatments!  Seriously!  I always thought it was strictly a cancer drug, but have learned otherwise as of late, and I start on Sunday!  Yes, you read it correct, I will start a new medication, called Methotrexate , which is one of the most effective drugs used today, to treat inflammatory arthritis! Click the link, it gives great information about the drug, how it works, how it is dosed, etc.  I am a little anxious about starting it, as it does come with all the side effects, but hopefully they are short lived..(usually the day after you take your dose)...and hopefully I start feeling like me again sooner, than later!

Thank you everyone, for well wishes, and support!

Until next time, be well!
mb 

Heading out to see my new dr.....

Armed with a med list and list of "symptoms"....hoping for some answers and relief!!! 

It's a bad day...

.....pain wise when I can't hold my camera up to take pictures!  😔

There is something to be said...

...about being a good friend. Being a friend isn't about looking to be recognized for your behavior, it's about knowing when and how to be there, even when someone doesn't ask you to be.  So it may sound like I am looking for recognition, and I am not, it's just that I constantly find myself going out of my way to maintain some friendships, and to be honest, it is quite exhausting!  I try, try, try, only to realize that I am the only one trying.  A one sided friendship is anything but that, and I think I am a damn good friend, so consider yourself lucky to have me on your side, and in your life! I think there comes a time, for everyone, when you take a look around, realize who your true friends are, and just let the rest all go. 

be well!
MB

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.”
― Muhammad Ali

been a short while....

......since I last came in and put my thoughts to text.  I have felt lately that I am on this never ending path, that is leading me nowhere.  Hopeless.  My heath issues are getting to me, and instead of talking about it, I find myself keeping it all in.  I feel weak, and I don't like it.

Anyhow...a recent visit to my doctor sured up one thing for me - TIME TO FIND A NEW DR!  If you ever feel like your doctor isn't listening to you, or dismissing your complaints, FIND A NEW ONE!  Honestly, I left my last appointment, in tears, leaving behind two more tubes of blood, and feeling like this was it for me.  Like I was stuck in the mud with all this RA shit, and it wasn't going to get better.  I spent a night up, because in case you didn't know it, I don't sleep. (at least not without the help of some good sleepy drugs!)  I did some research on the medications I am on, and with how I have been feeling lately. Two things I have found out, 1: How I am feeling is very common with how other people with RA feel, from  legit feelings, to physically how I feel pain wise, etc, and 2:NO ONE uses the drugs I am on right now, as they have been proven ineffective to treat RA!  I told my dr they weren't working, but NOOOOO..he didn't want to listen to me! There are other options for me, and I am in pursuit of them now. 

I am slowly coming to terms that I am not superwoman (insert loud exaggerated GASP here!)  and that I need to take things easy for right now.  I need to let other people do things for me, and be ok with the fact that things won't necessarily get done the way I want them to be done, I need not be the control freak that I am!!!  (trying! and figure if I put it in writing, I have to be held accountable somehow!)

Hopefully the 2 people who are reading this are enjoying their summer thus far!

Until next time, be well!
-mb

*******editing to say I have an appt with a new doctor July 17th - YAHOOO!  Very excited!  Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who helped me get in sooner than my original October 7th appointment!******

monday monday....

I was feeling much better than I anticipated this morning after a crazy few days....only to realize I feel good because I forgot to take my medication this morning!  FU  RA!!

A big fat F*** You to RA!

Rheumatoid Arthritis has ruined my day.  Again.  Another day "wasted" because I can't overcome the side effects of this awful disease and the medications that go with it: nausea, swelling, Heart palpitations, numbness in my hands, and now foot, and I can't forget PAIN, PAIN, PAIN.  I can't take it anymore.  I can't keep quiet about it anymore.  I AM DONE!

It takes a lot for me to sit down and talk about this, and let people know what is going on with me.  It makes me feel weak.  I don't like that.  I don't like the sad eyes I get when I say that to people either.  Right now I am angry about this, I am tired, and I am yet again - DONE!

Before you say anything, that may trigger a violent outburst on my behalf (thank you prednisone, for that wonderful side effect) , let me share an excerpt from an article on a blog I currently follow, passes the message along, from my point of view..and what you don't know about RA because you do not have it:

From the website : http://rawarrior.com 

"What I would tell those who are not living with Rheumatoid Arthritis,What we want you to know about living with RA

We want you to know what Rheumatoid Arthritis really is. We want to correct the myths and misunderstandings about RA. And, we want you to understand the consequences of a life with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Think for a moment: Have you ever have tendonitis? Or “tennis elbow”? How about a sprained ankle? Maybe a dislocated finger? Heel spur? Torn rotator cuff? Broken bone? Jammed toe? Or a ganglion cyst? Maybe you have a bit of osteoarthritis in your knees? If you have, then you have a better ability to understand than you knew. Imagine that you had that painful incapacitating condition in every joint.
If you do not read any further, and you re-read the last paragraph, we will have made progress. That was not hyperbole. Rheumatoid Arthritis progresses at different rates, so your loved one may not have involvement in every joint, but you can still get the idea.
Oh, and if I may offer an ever clearer picture, add a bad case of the flu that to the cocktail. You are getting close.
Do you know which joints are involved with your loved one? Are you sure?
We also want you to see why we cannot forget about the RA for very long. Even though you cannot see it, it is eating us alive. Literally. And we are not able to make our hands or our feet do what we tell them anymore. So, if we can put it out of our minds for a few seconds, it comes back in again when we try to move.

Why we want you to know

Why do people with Rheumatoid Arthritis want the comprehension of the non-RA world? Why do we care whether you to get it? Obviously, it would be nice to have sympathy and to feel validated in our suffering. But that is not our point.
We want you to recognize what Rheumatoid Arthritis is because your reaction to our condition is sometimes not appropriate. Imagine with me again. What would you think if someone handed you a hatchet and asked you to chop some firewood with your broken arm?
No one would do that because everyone understands what a broken arm is. So, that response to your condition would be inappropriate. It would be ignoring the reality of your broken arm or at least extremely minimizing its significance. But broken arms are not invisible.
I have entitled this principle: Recognition Leads to Accommodation. It is the reason that most of us will hold the door for an elderly person or cut meat for a toddler. If any limitation is apparent, most of us will naturally make efforts to accommodate the disability.
Rheumatoid Arthritis brings disability and usually requires accommodation. Not doing so seems cruel.
people would have responded any differently if my diagnosis had been a more well-known disease like diabetes, heart disease, or cancer. I like to think so. I am guessing that people treat RA the way they do because they do not get it. I am hoping that I am correct."

For the record: I am not ever looking for sympathy, it's my fight, and I will gladly fight it alone, even if I don't want to, and I know I don't have to. All that said, I also have been told "You are too young for this.."  Not so, most people are diagnosed between 30-40 years old, (I'm 36) and more women are effected than men! 

So, if I look like I am having a bad day, if I am walking funny, or not going out of my way to be very social , etc..chances are, I AM having a bad day, as they seem to out number the good right now!

Enough said for now, because I could go on all day!

Be well!
mb

still lots to vent about...

...just not enough time in the day to sit and get it all out!  Spring is a crazy time for everyone, with new sport seasons starting, and lots of warm weather planning.  I have a lot going on in my crazy life that I would love to sit down and vent about/ share with you all.  I think it will help me get some frustration out by talking about things.  Anyhow...more to come.  Just wanted to hop on here and say hello, I've been thinking about letting you all back into my world again - see  you soon!

lot's to be thankful for...

I had my follow up with the surgeon this week.  The mass I have is called a Fibroadenoma.  The most common non cancerous tumors found in breasts.  Thank Freaking God!  I am still having everything sent to MGH for a second opinion, and will know for sure if this is something I need to have removed. 

Today is my birthday.  I have a lot to be thankful for,  a lot to celebrate!  Most importantly, my health.  I am so grateful to be healthy! My 4 healthy children.  God, I love them so much!  My supportive husband, who puts up with my crazy ass!  My family, and friends, who I love more than anything!

I have learned a lot in the last year.  I am slowing coming to realize who I am, and I'm realizing who the people are that I can count on, and the ones I can't.  I have learned that even though I am the best person I can be, I have no control on how other people are.  Often we are disappointed in those we love, because they don't react to certain things the way we would, and I've learned that I have no control over that.  I have to just keep on being me, and let the rest roll of my back.

Thank you again, to everyone who has been so supportive of me.  I don't think you will ever understand, nor will I ever be able to exactly put it into words, how thankful I am for every message, text, hug, phone call - I am so blessed! 

This isn't the last you will hear from me.  I am going to keep this blog alive.  I'd like to think I can keep everyone interested/entertained, even if I am not amidst a medical emergency!

I am surrounding myself with people I love today, I hope you do the same!  Happy Birthday to Me!!

Be kind, be well!
xo
mb

the good news is out!

Benign!  What a wonderful, fabulous, happy word! 

I still do not know what is going to happen - all I know is that whatever this is - it is Benign.  I have a follow up with the surgeon on Thursday to see her suggestions, I will find out exactly what this mass is, and what the next step is.  Then, I will send all of my stuff to Mass General for my second opinion - and go from there! 

I was rattled with many phone calls, texts and emails asking if I had heard any news yesterday.  I realize that I brought that on myself by being very public with what was going on.  I don't regret it one bit.  I have had amazing support from family and friends, near and far.  Being open about this has served me well.  I don't think I can put into words how grateful I am for everything.  To have other people worry for me, and root me on, knowing that that many people care about me - I really have no words.  My heart is full : Thank you.


More tomorrow, when I know more!

be kind, be well!
xo
mb

Be a woman of substance. Be a real woman. It is difficult to break down a real woman because she will learn from her mistakes, gather her strength from her struggle and overcome the obstacles courageously...

tick tick tick....

Sunday night!  Made it through the weekend without going mad! :)  More so, just kept busy!  Hoping I get some news tomorrow, and dreading it all the same!  Thank you for the continued good thoughts.

Much love,
mb
xo

One day post biopsy...

Here I am, one day after.  I thought I would find a sense of calm once the biopsy was over. And maybe I did yesterday, or maybe I was just so busy afterwards, that I just didn't have time to sit and think about it.  Probably a good thing.  It wasn't until I went to bed, and found myself on a forum for women who are, or were going through the same thing as I am right now.  Many expressed their fears, and the feeling of being out of control in their mind, going through each day without really every connecting and knowing was going on around them.  This is all so true.  I feel like I have been walking around in a fog.  My house is being neglected, my children, my husband.  It would not shock me if my kids didn't finish half of their homework, or if they did poorly on their projects that were doing - because I simply wasn't "there".. Physically I was, but mentally, I have been in a different place. 

Here's my deal.  I feel like 92% good, that everything is going to turn out fine, and I am going to get a benign diagnosis.  I am still about 8% scared out of my mind, that I won't.   My head is filled with thoughts of the phone call I am going to get.  Where will I be?  Who will be with me?  (and 10 thousand other fucked up thoughts that I can't even type out!)

Most importantly what am I going to tell my kids? This is when I cry.  I have had very little emotion about this, apart from being afraid.  I have not excessively cried, or melted down.  My kids, are my weakness, and my fear is multiplied by a million when I think of them.  As of right now, only Jeremy knows what is going on.  I can tell that he is scared himself.  Checking in with texts and phone calls, that end in "I love you".  Yes, I know he loves me, but lets face it, at 18, he isn't telling me that everyday.  I want to protect him from my fears, but he is a man now, and I think this will be a good life lesson for him as well.  "Honor thy mother".  Honor her everyday, because you never, ever know what can come up. 

Today is Friday.  21 hours down, 51 "business" hours left until I possibly hear anything regarding my biopsy results.  I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my head, but I won't let it make me crazy.  Today Iwill clean my house, do my laundry, apply to colleges with Jeremy (SOB!), I will laugh with my friends, and maybe cry a little too.  I will hug my children, and tell them I love them.  I will be ok, no matter what comes my way.  I am strong!
 
Be well, and be kind!
xo
mb

Biopsy done!

whew.  I can wipe my brow and say I made it through this day!  I met with the surgeon today, very nice, sweet woman.  We discussed family history, my mass, etc.  She told me my mass was solid, and not huge, roughly 1-2cm's.  She also said it wasn't too suspicious, and she would guess with my age and good health, that it is probably some fancy name fibroidal (I made up fibroidal!) tissue.  It's reassuring of course, but you always have other outcomes as well. The biopsy went well.  I had a tech, a radiologist, and someone training in the room.  I thought I would be uncomfortable with someone else in the room, but honestly, after having natural childbirth x4, and having multiple people touch my boobs in the last 3 weeks, what's one more person?!  Now I wait 3-5 business days for results.  3-5 business days = torture!  I will say I feel pretty good about things, yes, I am still scared and worried, but I have SO many other things to occupy my time and mind, that I am going to do my best to not let this wait time stress me anymore than I have already stressed!

Anyhow...thank you again, for all the kind messages of love and support.  I am such a lucky girl!

Be kind.
xo
mb

Tuesday...

I originally titled this post "Monday"..but yay, it is Tuesday!

I found out today that I will not be able to get an appt at MGH prior to Thursday - big fat BOOO!

I have received many calls/texts/emails from so many supportive people! I am overwhelmed with emotion because of this.  I appreciate everything, and if  I do not directly respond to you, I apologize, but THANK YOU SO MUCH!

At times I feel almost silly for creating somewhat of a hype over this - because it will turn out to be a health scare, and nothing more.  But in reality, 2 people I know have scheduled mammograms since they have heard my story.  I think that is saying something!  Go get a mammogram ladies, and men, if you have a family history, it's a good idea to bring it up to your dr as well! Not just women have mammograms, get cysts, or God Forbid, Breast Cancer!  It's not prejudice, it effects everyone!

I've been keeping busy, not hard to do with 4 kids.  There are times when things are quiet, and I can't lie and say my mind doesn't wander, and I start to think of all the "what-ifs" .  Its a stressful, scary time, and I fucking hate it!

Thank you all again.

Be good!
xo
mb

It's only Sunday....

If you know someone in the position I am sitting in right now, and you ask them how they are doing, and they say "fine" or "good" : THEY ARE LIARS!  I am not good, I am not fine.  I am going out of my mind!  It's been 3 days since I made an appointment with the surgeon, that appointment is Thursday, and it's only Sunday!   These last 3 days have felt like a lifetime!  You look back, and you say, "Whoa, this last year flew by!"..Why can't I say that about the last three days?   The time you want to cherish, goes way too fast, and the time you want to just get the hell out of the way, just seems to drag on! Please, let the next week fly by, because I may go insane in the time being.

many thanks...

I can't express my gratitude to everyone for the outpouring of support I got yesterday.  So many people said far too many kind words about me.  I do appreciate it, so very much! Not to be over dramatic, but I still feel like I am walking around in a cloud.  Not much is phasing me, I am just going through the motions.  Looking forward to spending time with good friends and family this weekend, keeping my mind as busy as possible!

Be good.

xo
MB

life as i know it...

It's funny how all those little things in life get in your way, keeping you from doing things that you really love to do.  Little things like, soccer practice, soccer games, football games, girl scout meetings, drivers ed classes,college applications and filling out financial aid papers..(insert big fat sob here!!)  Then you realize, these little things ARE the things I love to do.  But yes, these little things keep me from doing things like writing in this blog. 

I am always good at being there for others - you know if you need me, all you have to do is ask, and I am there if I am able.  I am not good when it is me on the receiving end of that.  I don't ask for help.  I realize now, that I shut myself off.  There are few things keep me quiet, and dance in my mind without an escape - and right now I am dealing with one of them.  I have had a couple of weeks from hell.  I have told those closest to me,(and there are a couple of you that I wanted to call, tell what was going on - I'm sorry I didn't, but I am exhausted, so please don't be mad you are reading it here, just be here for me!) I feel like I can finally put into words, how I am feeling, and what I am going through. 

I am days away from being 36 years old, and I am scared out of my fucking mind!  I recently went for my baseline mammogram, per the request of my wonderful OB/GYN at my follow up to my Hysterectomy.  She requested I go, since there is a family history of Breast Cancer.  No big deal.  I have my baseline done.  A couple days later, I get a call from the Breast Care Center I am going to, and they tell me to please call them as soon as I get a chance/.  I call, get no answer, leave a message.  I start thinking.  Thinking is an enemy folks.  Once your mind gets going, it will fuck  you up.  I call back, and leave another message, rattling some bullshit about how I wasn't sure if I even left my first and last name on the previous message, and this time I leave every possible number they can reach me at.  This is Friday afternoon, 4:00pm.  No call back.  I wait the entire weekend, and call first thing Monday morning, only to leave yet another message!  I am borderline close at this point, to driving to the office and saying "I was in the neighborhood, you left me a message to call, what's up?!"   I'm not usually a worrier! If you know me, you know I deal with SO much medical stuff with 4 kids, and one who  could possibly have a wing at the Winchester Hospital named after him due to the countless times he has been a patient there! But this is me! Not knowing if there is something up with ME, is completely torture.  No worries, I didn't go there and freak the woman out, she called me at about noon on Monday.  My mammogram was inconclusive.  They needed me to come in for more pictures, I was all good, until she said  "and we want it to be when the radiologist is here, so you can have results right away". Um, WHAT?  Did you say "radiologist has to be there?" I ask why, and she informs me that it could just be a bad image, it could be breast tissue, it could be other things.  Well it's the "other things" that freak a person out a little!   Ok.  First available appointment isn't until Thursday.  I take it.  I call back an hour later and let this woman know I have cleared my schedule for the next 3 days, just in case someone cancels, I can be there in a heartbeat. No body cancels, I don't sleep for the next couple nights.  Thursday comes around, and thankfully I have an appt early in the morning.  My sister and a very good friend accompany me to the Breast Care Center.  Things move fast, I am in with a new tech within minutes of arriving.  As she is taking my new images, I can see the other images on her screen, with big fat circles around some spots.  I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was going to vomit right there.  Right on this woman trying to be so gentle as she crushes my boob in a vice!  She does her thing, then tells me that she will bring my images to the radiologist, but I would probably be having an ultrasound as well.  Ok.  Back to a waiting room, where I ask if they can get my sister and friend to come wait with me.  I tell them I am pretty sure I am going to pass out or something.  All this waiting around, it's torture!  Long story short, I have an ultrasound, wait around again braless and nauseous.  I get changed, and I am going to meet with a nurse.  Of course my mind is spinning out of control.  Lovely nurse comes out, and I request my sister and friend come in to listen to what she has to say, because I am quite certain at this point that I will not take any of it in!

Here it is:  I have a solid mass in my left breast.  I need to see a surgeon next week for a consult and then I will have an ultra-sound assisted needle biopsy, and will have those results 72 hours after the procedure is done.  More waiting.  I leave the office a little bit numb.  I realize I am talking to my sister about things that really have nothing to do with what just happened, as she is trying to relay to my other sister who wasn't there.  In my head I am saying, "did all that really just happen? what the fuck is going on?"  My sister comes home and sits with me for a little bit, when I realize that I am anxiously awaiting for her to leave (Sorry Shannon!) so I can be alone.  Really, what I wanted to do was jump on google, and find out any information I could about "solid breast mass"  - but I refrained.  Instead I crawled into my bed.

I am very lucky to have a Dr in the Family, who is at Mass General and his focus is in Breast Cancer Research.  He is going to see if he can get me in sooner over at MGH, but until then, I will wait! 

As you can imagine, there is a lot swarming around in my head. Waiting around sucks.  I'm going to say something that I am sure a lot of people who have gone through something like this may have wanted to say, but didn't -  I know A LOT of people have been through this themselves.  I know a lot of success stories where it turns out to be nothing.  But I don't care!  This is me right now!  I am happy your story was happy, your friends, your mothers, your sisters - I am happy for you, but right now I don't need that shoved down my throat -  am scared for ME!  I'm scared, and I'm mad, and this is not supposed to be happening! I'm not diagnosing myself, I am of course hoping for nothing but the best, but right now I don't care about anyone else!  Sounds selfish, I don't care.  I can be selfish, this is happening to me!

If I can do anything by sharing my worry with all of you, if I can encourage anyone to GO GET A MAMMOGRAM - please, do it!  If you have a family history of Breast Cancer, talk to your doctor and see what will be best for you.  I am 35 years old, and healthy - and I am SO glad that I am finding out about all of this now, because God forbid , I am in a far better place at 35 to fight this, than I would be at 40!

Let's hope I can look back on this in about 10 days and say "whew, that was scrary!"  and be done!  If that doesn't happen..I am a warrior and I will face it head on!

Send your positive thoughts, and say lots of prayers - because I need them!

Be good people.

xo
MB