Here I am, one day after. I thought I would find a sense of calm once the biopsy was over. And maybe I did yesterday, or maybe I was just so busy afterwards, that I just didn't have time to sit and think about it. Probably a good thing. It wasn't until I went to bed, and found myself on a forum for women who are, or were going through the same thing as I am right now. Many expressed their fears, and the feeling of being out of control in their mind, going through each day without really every connecting and knowing was going on around them. This is all so true. I feel like I have been walking around in a fog. My house is being neglected, my children, my husband. It would not shock me if my kids didn't finish half of their homework, or if they did poorly on their projects that were doing - because I simply wasn't "there".. Physically I was, but mentally, I have been in a different place.
Here's my deal. I feel like 92% good, that everything is going to turn out fine, and I am going to get a benign diagnosis. I am still about 8% scared out of my mind, that I won't. My head is filled with thoughts of the phone call I am going to get. Where will I be? Who will be with me? (and 10 thousand other fucked up thoughts that I can't even type out!)
Most importantly what am I going to tell my kids? This is when I cry. I have had very little emotion about this, apart from being afraid. I have not excessively cried, or melted down. My kids, are my weakness, and my fear is multiplied by a million when I think of them. As of right now, only Jeremy knows what is going on. I can tell that he is scared himself. Checking in with texts and phone calls, that end in "I love you". Yes, I know he loves me, but lets face it, at 18, he isn't telling me that everyday. I want to protect him from my fears, but he is a man now, and I think this will be a good life lesson for him as well. "Honor thy mother". Honor her everyday, because you never, ever know what can come up.
Today is Friday. 21 hours down, 51 "business" hours left until I possibly hear anything regarding my biopsy results. I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my head, but I won't let it make me crazy. Today Iwill clean my house, do my laundry, apply to colleges with Jeremy (SOB!), I will laugh with my friends, and maybe cry a little too. I will hug my children, and tell them I love them. I will be ok, no matter what comes my way. I am strong!
Be well, and be kind!
xo
mb
Here's my deal. I feel like 92% good, that everything is going to turn out fine, and I am going to get a benign diagnosis. I am still about 8% scared out of my mind, that I won't. My head is filled with thoughts of the phone call I am going to get. Where will I be? Who will be with me? (and 10 thousand other fucked up thoughts that I can't even type out!)
Most importantly what am I going to tell my kids? This is when I cry. I have had very little emotion about this, apart from being afraid. I have not excessively cried, or melted down. My kids, are my weakness, and my fear is multiplied by a million when I think of them. As of right now, only Jeremy knows what is going on. I can tell that he is scared himself. Checking in with texts and phone calls, that end in "I love you". Yes, I know he loves me, but lets face it, at 18, he isn't telling me that everyday. I want to protect him from my fears, but he is a man now, and I think this will be a good life lesson for him as well. "Honor thy mother". Honor her everyday, because you never, ever know what can come up.
Today is Friday. 21 hours down, 51 "business" hours left until I possibly hear anything regarding my biopsy results. I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my head, but I won't let it make me crazy. Today Iwill clean my house, do my laundry, apply to colleges with Jeremy (SOB!), I will laugh with my friends, and maybe cry a little too. I will hug my children, and tell them I love them. I will be ok, no matter what comes my way. I am strong!
Be well, and be kind!
xo
mb
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