It's funny how all those little things in life get in your way, keeping you from doing things that you really love to do. Little things like, soccer practice, soccer games, football games, girl scout meetings, drivers ed classes,college applications and filling out financial aid papers..(insert big fat sob here!!) Then you realize, these little things ARE the things I love to do. But yes, these little things keep me from doing things like writing in this blog.
I am always good at being there for others - you know if you need me, all you have to do is ask, and I am there if I am able. I am not good when it is me on the receiving end of that. I don't ask for help. I realize now, that I shut myself off. There are few things keep me quiet, and dance in my mind without an escape - and right now I am dealing with one of them. I have had a couple of weeks from hell. I have told those closest to me,(and there are a couple of you that I wanted to call, tell what was going on - I'm sorry I didn't, but I am exhausted, so please don't be mad you are reading it here, just be here for me!) I feel like I can finally put into words, how I am feeling, and what I am going through.
I am days away from being 36 years old, and I am scared out of my fucking mind! I recently went for my baseline mammogram, per the request of my wonderful OB/GYN at my follow up to my Hysterectomy. She requested I go, since there is a family history of Breast Cancer. No big deal. I have my baseline done. A couple days later, I get a call from the Breast Care Center I am going to, and they tell me to please call them as soon as I get a chance/. I call, get no answer, leave a message. I start thinking. Thinking is an enemy folks. Once your mind gets going, it will fuck you up. I call back, and leave another message, rattling some bullshit about how I wasn't sure if I even left my first and last name on the previous message, and this time I leave every possible number they can reach me at. This is Friday afternoon, 4:00pm. No call back. I wait the entire weekend, and call first thing Monday morning, only to leave yet another message! I am borderline close at this point, to driving to the office and saying "I was in the neighborhood, you left me a message to call, what's up?!" I'm not usually a worrier! If you know me, you know I deal with SO much medical stuff with 4 kids, and one who could possibly have a wing at the Winchester Hospital named after him due to the countless times he has been a patient there! But this is me! Not knowing if there is something up with ME, is completely torture. No worries, I didn't go there and freak the woman out, she called me at about noon on Monday. My mammogram was inconclusive. They needed me to come in for more pictures, I was all good, until she said "and we want it to be when the radiologist is here, so you can have results right away". Um, WHAT? Did you say "radiologist has to be there?" I ask why, and she informs me that it could just be a bad image, it could be breast tissue, it could be other things. Well it's the "other things" that freak a person out a little! Ok. First available appointment isn't until Thursday. I take it. I call back an hour later and let this woman know I have cleared my schedule for the next 3 days, just in case someone cancels, I can be there in a heartbeat. No body cancels, I don't sleep for the next couple nights. Thursday comes around, and thankfully I have an appt early in the morning. My sister and a very good friend accompany me to the Breast Care Center. Things move fast, I am in with a new tech within minutes of arriving. As she is taking my new images, I can see the other images on her screen, with big fat circles around some spots. I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was going to vomit right there. Right on this woman trying to be so gentle as she crushes my boob in a vice! She does her thing, then tells me that she will bring my images to the radiologist, but I would probably be having an ultrasound as well. Ok. Back to a waiting room, where I ask if they can get my sister and friend to come wait with me. I tell them I am pretty sure I am going to pass out or something. All this waiting around, it's torture! Long story short, I have an ultrasound, wait around again braless and nauseous. I get changed, and I am going to meet with a nurse. Of course my mind is spinning out of control. Lovely nurse comes out, and I request my sister and friend come in to listen to what she has to say, because I am quite certain at this point that I will not take any of it in!
Here it is: I have a solid mass in my left breast. I need to see a surgeon next week for a consult and then I will have an ultra-sound assisted needle biopsy, and will have those results 72 hours after the procedure is done. More waiting. I leave the office a little bit numb. I realize I am talking to my sister about things that really have nothing to do with what just happened, as she is trying to relay to my other sister who wasn't there. In my head I am saying, "did all that really just happen? what the fuck is going on?" My sister comes home and sits with me for a little bit, when I realize that I am anxiously awaiting for her to leave (Sorry Shannon!) so I can be alone. Really, what I wanted to do was jump on google, and find out any information I could about "solid breast mass" - but I refrained. Instead I crawled into my bed.
I am very lucky to have a Dr in the Family, who is at Mass General and his focus is in Breast Cancer Research. He is going to see if he can get me in sooner over at MGH, but until then, I will wait!
As you can imagine, there is a lot swarming around in my head. Waiting around sucks. I'm going to say something that I am sure a lot of people who have gone through something like this may have wanted to say, but didn't - I know A LOT of people have been through this themselves. I know a lot of success stories where it turns out to be nothing. But I don't care! This is me right now! I am happy your story was happy, your friends, your mothers, your sisters - I am happy for you, but right now I don't need that shoved down my throat - am scared for ME! I'm scared, and I'm mad, and this is not supposed to be happening! I'm not diagnosing myself, I am of course hoping for nothing but the best, but right now I don't care about anyone else! Sounds selfish, I don't care. I can be selfish, this is happening to me!
If I can do anything by sharing my worry with all of you, if I can encourage anyone to GO GET A MAMMOGRAM - please, do it! If you have a family history of Breast Cancer, talk to your doctor and see what will be best for you. I am 35 years old, and healthy - and I am SO glad that I am finding out about all of this now, because God forbid , I am in a far better place at 35 to fight this, than I would be at 40!
Let's hope I can look back on this in about 10 days and say "whew, that was scrary!" and be done! If that doesn't happen..I am a warrior and I will face it head on!
Send your positive thoughts, and say lots of prayers - because I need them!
Be good people.
xo
MB
I am always good at being there for others - you know if you need me, all you have to do is ask, and I am there if I am able. I am not good when it is me on the receiving end of that. I don't ask for help. I realize now, that I shut myself off. There are few things keep me quiet, and dance in my mind without an escape - and right now I am dealing with one of them. I have had a couple of weeks from hell. I have told those closest to me,(and there are a couple of you that I wanted to call, tell what was going on - I'm sorry I didn't, but I am exhausted, so please don't be mad you are reading it here, just be here for me!) I feel like I can finally put into words, how I am feeling, and what I am going through.
I am days away from being 36 years old, and I am scared out of my fucking mind! I recently went for my baseline mammogram, per the request of my wonderful OB/GYN at my follow up to my Hysterectomy. She requested I go, since there is a family history of Breast Cancer. No big deal. I have my baseline done. A couple days later, I get a call from the Breast Care Center I am going to, and they tell me to please call them as soon as I get a chance/. I call, get no answer, leave a message. I start thinking. Thinking is an enemy folks. Once your mind gets going, it will fuck you up. I call back, and leave another message, rattling some bullshit about how I wasn't sure if I even left my first and last name on the previous message, and this time I leave every possible number they can reach me at. This is Friday afternoon, 4:00pm. No call back. I wait the entire weekend, and call first thing Monday morning, only to leave yet another message! I am borderline close at this point, to driving to the office and saying "I was in the neighborhood, you left me a message to call, what's up?!" I'm not usually a worrier! If you know me, you know I deal with SO much medical stuff with 4 kids, and one who could possibly have a wing at the Winchester Hospital named after him due to the countless times he has been a patient there! But this is me! Not knowing if there is something up with ME, is completely torture. No worries, I didn't go there and freak the woman out, she called me at about noon on Monday. My mammogram was inconclusive. They needed me to come in for more pictures, I was all good, until she said "and we want it to be when the radiologist is here, so you can have results right away". Um, WHAT? Did you say "radiologist has to be there?" I ask why, and she informs me that it could just be a bad image, it could be breast tissue, it could be other things. Well it's the "other things" that freak a person out a little! Ok. First available appointment isn't until Thursday. I take it. I call back an hour later and let this woman know I have cleared my schedule for the next 3 days, just in case someone cancels, I can be there in a heartbeat. No body cancels, I don't sleep for the next couple nights. Thursday comes around, and thankfully I have an appt early in the morning. My sister and a very good friend accompany me to the Breast Care Center. Things move fast, I am in with a new tech within minutes of arriving. As she is taking my new images, I can see the other images on her screen, with big fat circles around some spots. I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was going to vomit right there. Right on this woman trying to be so gentle as she crushes my boob in a vice! She does her thing, then tells me that she will bring my images to the radiologist, but I would probably be having an ultrasound as well. Ok. Back to a waiting room, where I ask if they can get my sister and friend to come wait with me. I tell them I am pretty sure I am going to pass out or something. All this waiting around, it's torture! Long story short, I have an ultrasound, wait around again braless and nauseous. I get changed, and I am going to meet with a nurse. Of course my mind is spinning out of control. Lovely nurse comes out, and I request my sister and friend come in to listen to what she has to say, because I am quite certain at this point that I will not take any of it in!
Here it is: I have a solid mass in my left breast. I need to see a surgeon next week for a consult and then I will have an ultra-sound assisted needle biopsy, and will have those results 72 hours after the procedure is done. More waiting. I leave the office a little bit numb. I realize I am talking to my sister about things that really have nothing to do with what just happened, as she is trying to relay to my other sister who wasn't there. In my head I am saying, "did all that really just happen? what the fuck is going on?" My sister comes home and sits with me for a little bit, when I realize that I am anxiously awaiting for her to leave (Sorry Shannon!) so I can be alone. Really, what I wanted to do was jump on google, and find out any information I could about "solid breast mass" - but I refrained. Instead I crawled into my bed.
I am very lucky to have a Dr in the Family, who is at Mass General and his focus is in Breast Cancer Research. He is going to see if he can get me in sooner over at MGH, but until then, I will wait!
As you can imagine, there is a lot swarming around in my head. Waiting around sucks. I'm going to say something that I am sure a lot of people who have gone through something like this may have wanted to say, but didn't - I know A LOT of people have been through this themselves. I know a lot of success stories where it turns out to be nothing. But I don't care! This is me right now! I am happy your story was happy, your friends, your mothers, your sisters - I am happy for you, but right now I don't need that shoved down my throat - am scared for ME! I'm scared, and I'm mad, and this is not supposed to be happening! I'm not diagnosing myself, I am of course hoping for nothing but the best, but right now I don't care about anyone else! Sounds selfish, I don't care. I can be selfish, this is happening to me!
If I can do anything by sharing my worry with all of you, if I can encourage anyone to GO GET A MAMMOGRAM - please, do it! If you have a family history of Breast Cancer, talk to your doctor and see what will be best for you. I am 35 years old, and healthy - and I am SO glad that I am finding out about all of this now, because God forbid , I am in a far better place at 35 to fight this, than I would be at 40!
Let's hope I can look back on this in about 10 days and say "whew, that was scrary!" and be done! If that doesn't happen..I am a warrior and I will face it head on!
Send your positive thoughts, and say lots of prayers - because I need them!
Be good people.
xo
MB
Maribeth, it takes a strong person to say they are scared, and like Jeremy said in his College Essay, "you are the strongest person in the world he knows" If I remember correctly, he didn't specify man or woman, he said person!!!! Be scared, and I will be scared right alongside you!!! But you are in my thoughts and prayers, if there is ever anything you need...or I suspect you need because you won't ask for it, I will do anything I can to help...(i.e. take the kids for a Saturday, etc., be really quiet for a Patriots Championship game at your house... ). Love you sweetheart, and I am sad you are dealing with this.
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