the good news is out!

Benign!  What a wonderful, fabulous, happy word! 

I still do not know what is going to happen - all I know is that whatever this is - it is Benign.  I have a follow up with the surgeon on Thursday to see her suggestions, I will find out exactly what this mass is, and what the next step is.  Then, I will send all of my stuff to Mass General for my second opinion - and go from there! 

I was rattled with many phone calls, texts and emails asking if I had heard any news yesterday.  I realize that I brought that on myself by being very public with what was going on.  I don't regret it one bit.  I have had amazing support from family and friends, near and far.  Being open about this has served me well.  I don't think I can put into words how grateful I am for everything.  To have other people worry for me, and root me on, knowing that that many people care about me - I really have no words.  My heart is full : Thank you.


More tomorrow, when I know more!

be kind, be well!
xo
mb

Be a woman of substance. Be a real woman. It is difficult to break down a real woman because she will learn from her mistakes, gather her strength from her struggle and overcome the obstacles courageously...

tick tick tick....

Sunday night!  Made it through the weekend without going mad! :)  More so, just kept busy!  Hoping I get some news tomorrow, and dreading it all the same!  Thank you for the continued good thoughts.

Much love,
mb
xo

One day post biopsy...

Here I am, one day after.  I thought I would find a sense of calm once the biopsy was over. And maybe I did yesterday, or maybe I was just so busy afterwards, that I just didn't have time to sit and think about it.  Probably a good thing.  It wasn't until I went to bed, and found myself on a forum for women who are, or were going through the same thing as I am right now.  Many expressed their fears, and the feeling of being out of control in their mind, going through each day without really every connecting and knowing was going on around them.  This is all so true.  I feel like I have been walking around in a fog.  My house is being neglected, my children, my husband.  It would not shock me if my kids didn't finish half of their homework, or if they did poorly on their projects that were doing - because I simply wasn't "there".. Physically I was, but mentally, I have been in a different place. 

Here's my deal.  I feel like 92% good, that everything is going to turn out fine, and I am going to get a benign diagnosis.  I am still about 8% scared out of my mind, that I won't.   My head is filled with thoughts of the phone call I am going to get.  Where will I be?  Who will be with me?  (and 10 thousand other fucked up thoughts that I can't even type out!)

Most importantly what am I going to tell my kids? This is when I cry.  I have had very little emotion about this, apart from being afraid.  I have not excessively cried, or melted down.  My kids, are my weakness, and my fear is multiplied by a million when I think of them.  As of right now, only Jeremy knows what is going on.  I can tell that he is scared himself.  Checking in with texts and phone calls, that end in "I love you".  Yes, I know he loves me, but lets face it, at 18, he isn't telling me that everyday.  I want to protect him from my fears, but he is a man now, and I think this will be a good life lesson for him as well.  "Honor thy mother".  Honor her everyday, because you never, ever know what can come up. 

Today is Friday.  21 hours down, 51 "business" hours left until I possibly hear anything regarding my biopsy results.  I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my head, but I won't let it make me crazy.  Today Iwill clean my house, do my laundry, apply to colleges with Jeremy (SOB!), I will laugh with my friends, and maybe cry a little too.  I will hug my children, and tell them I love them.  I will be ok, no matter what comes my way.  I am strong!
 
Be well, and be kind!
xo
mb

Biopsy done!

whew.  I can wipe my brow and say I made it through this day!  I met with the surgeon today, very nice, sweet woman.  We discussed family history, my mass, etc.  She told me my mass was solid, and not huge, roughly 1-2cm's.  She also said it wasn't too suspicious, and she would guess with my age and good health, that it is probably some fancy name fibroidal (I made up fibroidal!) tissue.  It's reassuring of course, but you always have other outcomes as well. The biopsy went well.  I had a tech, a radiologist, and someone training in the room.  I thought I would be uncomfortable with someone else in the room, but honestly, after having natural childbirth x4, and having multiple people touch my boobs in the last 3 weeks, what's one more person?!  Now I wait 3-5 business days for results.  3-5 business days = torture!  I will say I feel pretty good about things, yes, I am still scared and worried, but I have SO many other things to occupy my time and mind, that I am going to do my best to not let this wait time stress me anymore than I have already stressed!

Anyhow...thank you again, for all the kind messages of love and support.  I am such a lucky girl!

Be kind.
xo
mb

Tuesday...

I originally titled this post "Monday"..but yay, it is Tuesday!

I found out today that I will not be able to get an appt at MGH prior to Thursday - big fat BOOO!

I have received many calls/texts/emails from so many supportive people! I am overwhelmed with emotion because of this.  I appreciate everything, and if  I do not directly respond to you, I apologize, but THANK YOU SO MUCH!

At times I feel almost silly for creating somewhat of a hype over this - because it will turn out to be a health scare, and nothing more.  But in reality, 2 people I know have scheduled mammograms since they have heard my story.  I think that is saying something!  Go get a mammogram ladies, and men, if you have a family history, it's a good idea to bring it up to your dr as well! Not just women have mammograms, get cysts, or God Forbid, Breast Cancer!  It's not prejudice, it effects everyone!

I've been keeping busy, not hard to do with 4 kids.  There are times when things are quiet, and I can't lie and say my mind doesn't wander, and I start to think of all the "what-ifs" .  Its a stressful, scary time, and I fucking hate it!

Thank you all again.

Be good!
xo
mb

It's only Sunday....

If you know someone in the position I am sitting in right now, and you ask them how they are doing, and they say "fine" or "good" : THEY ARE LIARS!  I am not good, I am not fine.  I am going out of my mind!  It's been 3 days since I made an appointment with the surgeon, that appointment is Thursday, and it's only Sunday!   These last 3 days have felt like a lifetime!  You look back, and you say, "Whoa, this last year flew by!"..Why can't I say that about the last three days?   The time you want to cherish, goes way too fast, and the time you want to just get the hell out of the way, just seems to drag on! Please, let the next week fly by, because I may go insane in the time being.

many thanks...

I can't express my gratitude to everyone for the outpouring of support I got yesterday.  So many people said far too many kind words about me.  I do appreciate it, so very much! Not to be over dramatic, but I still feel like I am walking around in a cloud.  Not much is phasing me, I am just going through the motions.  Looking forward to spending time with good friends and family this weekend, keeping my mind as busy as possible!

Be good.

xo
MB

life as i know it...

It's funny how all those little things in life get in your way, keeping you from doing things that you really love to do.  Little things like, soccer practice, soccer games, football games, girl scout meetings, drivers ed classes,college applications and filling out financial aid papers..(insert big fat sob here!!)  Then you realize, these little things ARE the things I love to do.  But yes, these little things keep me from doing things like writing in this blog. 

I am always good at being there for others - you know if you need me, all you have to do is ask, and I am there if I am able.  I am not good when it is me on the receiving end of that.  I don't ask for help.  I realize now, that I shut myself off.  There are few things keep me quiet, and dance in my mind without an escape - and right now I am dealing with one of them.  I have had a couple of weeks from hell.  I have told those closest to me,(and there are a couple of you that I wanted to call, tell what was going on - I'm sorry I didn't, but I am exhausted, so please don't be mad you are reading it here, just be here for me!) I feel like I can finally put into words, how I am feeling, and what I am going through. 

I am days away from being 36 years old, and I am scared out of my fucking mind!  I recently went for my baseline mammogram, per the request of my wonderful OB/GYN at my follow up to my Hysterectomy.  She requested I go, since there is a family history of Breast Cancer.  No big deal.  I have my baseline done.  A couple days later, I get a call from the Breast Care Center I am going to, and they tell me to please call them as soon as I get a chance/.  I call, get no answer, leave a message.  I start thinking.  Thinking is an enemy folks.  Once your mind gets going, it will fuck  you up.  I call back, and leave another message, rattling some bullshit about how I wasn't sure if I even left my first and last name on the previous message, and this time I leave every possible number they can reach me at.  This is Friday afternoon, 4:00pm.  No call back.  I wait the entire weekend, and call first thing Monday morning, only to leave yet another message!  I am borderline close at this point, to driving to the office and saying "I was in the neighborhood, you left me a message to call, what's up?!"   I'm not usually a worrier! If you know me, you know I deal with SO much medical stuff with 4 kids, and one who  could possibly have a wing at the Winchester Hospital named after him due to the countless times he has been a patient there! But this is me! Not knowing if there is something up with ME, is completely torture.  No worries, I didn't go there and freak the woman out, she called me at about noon on Monday.  My mammogram was inconclusive.  They needed me to come in for more pictures, I was all good, until she said  "and we want it to be when the radiologist is here, so you can have results right away". Um, WHAT?  Did you say "radiologist has to be there?" I ask why, and she informs me that it could just be a bad image, it could be breast tissue, it could be other things.  Well it's the "other things" that freak a person out a little!   Ok.  First available appointment isn't until Thursday.  I take it.  I call back an hour later and let this woman know I have cleared my schedule for the next 3 days, just in case someone cancels, I can be there in a heartbeat. No body cancels, I don't sleep for the next couple nights.  Thursday comes around, and thankfully I have an appt early in the morning.  My sister and a very good friend accompany me to the Breast Care Center.  Things move fast, I am in with a new tech within minutes of arriving.  As she is taking my new images, I can see the other images on her screen, with big fat circles around some spots.  I'm not gonna lie, I thought I was going to vomit right there.  Right on this woman trying to be so gentle as she crushes my boob in a vice!  She does her thing, then tells me that she will bring my images to the radiologist, but I would probably be having an ultrasound as well.  Ok.  Back to a waiting room, where I ask if they can get my sister and friend to come wait with me.  I tell them I am pretty sure I am going to pass out or something.  All this waiting around, it's torture!  Long story short, I have an ultrasound, wait around again braless and nauseous.  I get changed, and I am going to meet with a nurse.  Of course my mind is spinning out of control.  Lovely nurse comes out, and I request my sister and friend come in to listen to what she has to say, because I am quite certain at this point that I will not take any of it in!

Here it is:  I have a solid mass in my left breast.  I need to see a surgeon next week for a consult and then I will have an ultra-sound assisted needle biopsy, and will have those results 72 hours after the procedure is done.  More waiting.  I leave the office a little bit numb.  I realize I am talking to my sister about things that really have nothing to do with what just happened, as she is trying to relay to my other sister who wasn't there.  In my head I am saying, "did all that really just happen? what the fuck is going on?"  My sister comes home and sits with me for a little bit, when I realize that I am anxiously awaiting for her to leave (Sorry Shannon!) so I can be alone.  Really, what I wanted to do was jump on google, and find out any information I could about "solid breast mass"  - but I refrained.  Instead I crawled into my bed.

I am very lucky to have a Dr in the Family, who is at Mass General and his focus is in Breast Cancer Research.  He is going to see if he can get me in sooner over at MGH, but until then, I will wait! 

As you can imagine, there is a lot swarming around in my head. Waiting around sucks.  I'm going to say something that I am sure a lot of people who have gone through something like this may have wanted to say, but didn't -  I know A LOT of people have been through this themselves.  I know a lot of success stories where it turns out to be nothing.  But I don't care!  This is me right now!  I am happy your story was happy, your friends, your mothers, your sisters - I am happy for you, but right now I don't need that shoved down my throat -  am scared for ME!  I'm scared, and I'm mad, and this is not supposed to be happening! I'm not diagnosing myself, I am of course hoping for nothing but the best, but right now I don't care about anyone else!  Sounds selfish, I don't care.  I can be selfish, this is happening to me!

If I can do anything by sharing my worry with all of you, if I can encourage anyone to GO GET A MAMMOGRAM - please, do it!  If you have a family history of Breast Cancer, talk to your doctor and see what will be best for you.  I am 35 years old, and healthy - and I am SO glad that I am finding out about all of this now, because God forbid , I am in a far better place at 35 to fight this, than I would be at 40!

Let's hope I can look back on this in about 10 days and say "whew, that was scrary!"  and be done!  If that doesn't happen..I am a warrior and I will face it head on!

Send your positive thoughts, and say lots of prayers - because I need them!

Be good people.

xo
MB