It seems the last couple weeks have probably been the busiest of my life (not really, but you know!) The days have ran into one another, and here we are, at the end of the second week of September! I find myself overwhelmed with a ton of emotions, that don't mix so well, and to put them into words doesn't come easy at times.
12 days ago we dropped Jeremy off at Westfield State. What a day that was. Very emotional for most. It's been quite an adjustment for all of us, but things seem to be settling in well, for Jeremy, and for us here at home who miss him a lot. 4 days after leaving him, Jeremy celebrated his 19th birthday, for the first time in his life, I didn't see him, hug him, kiss him and wish him a happy birthday in person. Just typing that out, brings tears to my eyes. Like I said, he seems to be settling in ok. Hasn't been easy, but he is still there! We will see him on the 21st when we head out to WSU for family day!
Yesterday being the anniversary of 9/11 - a somber day around here, just like anywhere I guess. My kids were instructed to come home and ask us parents, "Where were you that day, and how did you feel?' I was at work, at a biotec company, sitting at my desk. The EH&S guy came running into the office, where I sat at my little cubicle, and said "A plane just flew into the World Trade Center!" me, not even putting two and two together, thought "the world trade center, how is that possible, it's only like two levels high!"..being a local, you will know I was thinking the WTC Boston. The company I worked at, the home offices were located at Rockefeller Center, which you know is just a few blocks away from where everything was happening. Our email, phones, all systems, were down pretty immediately. We went over to the main building, to the break room, just in time to watch the second plane fly into the other tower. I had never felt so helpless in my life. To describe the emotions I was feeling, I don't think I can put them into words. To bring you back a couple of days, I had spent the day just a few days earlier, at the dr's office, trying to confirm what was later to be my pregnancy with Samuel. After many ultra sounds, my dr was thinking my pregnancy was not viable, and I was to go back on the 11th,for a repeat ultrasound, and then to schedule a D&C. I didn't go to the dr's that day - but a couple days later, to find a strong heartbeat, and a viable pregnancy - something that gave me some hope and a reason to smile amidst the terror going on in the world. I stayed at work as long as I could that day, then rushed to pick Jeremy up at school. I remember sitting on my sofa the evening of 9/11, watching the news with Steve, an old friend, and Jeremy. When Jeremy finally begged us to "make it stop!", when they kept playing the footage over and over, I remember silently thinking to myself, "why am I even thinking of bringing another baby into this world, what am I doing!".. Much like the rest of the world, I spent the next couple days glued to the tv, crying, terrified out of my mind. I told my kids yesterday, a summary of what I just told you, and told them that I couldn't describe exactly how I felt that day, but I knew I never wanted to feel that way again, ever.
We are all back in the swing of "back to school" schedules and routines. It's been an easy adjustment for us this year, thankfully!
On the health front, I am feeling very frustrated. I have to look back at dates, but I am pretty sure I am about 7 weeks into MTX - and I still feel shitty. I am also discouraged because again, a phone call to my new dr has gone unanswered. Is it that hard to call a person back? In a moment of self doubt, I actually started to feel like an idiot for calling, wondering if maybe my complaints are just silly. I know they aren't, but was just giving my doctor an invalid reason for not calling me back. I have been pushing myself a lot lately. Not really taking some days to rest. I feel it at the end of a day, when I find myself in bed by 8pm because I just can't stay on my feet any more. These are the days that I spend some time getting very angry. Angry and sad. Wondering if this is how I am going to be, for the rest of my life. A tired, sore, bitter at times, half rate version of myself. I am sick of just not feeling good. Sick of feeling like a 95 year old woman. Sick. Of. It.
Just over two weeks until the Komen Race. To date, me, my sisters, and my kids have raised about $2,500 dollars! Thank you again for everyone's support, donations, and outright kindness! It's clear I will be *walking* this race, and not running like I had hoped. I would crawl on my hands and knees if I have to. The local newspaper is covering the race, and they contacted me this week, and asked if they could talk to me about why I am doing the race this year. I have an interview today over the phone - kinda neat if you ask me! :)
I had much more on my mind today, but I have to be off to rouse the troops and get them moving....
Be well,
mb
12 days ago we dropped Jeremy off at Westfield State. What a day that was. Very emotional for most. It's been quite an adjustment for all of us, but things seem to be settling in well, for Jeremy, and for us here at home who miss him a lot. 4 days after leaving him, Jeremy celebrated his 19th birthday, for the first time in his life, I didn't see him, hug him, kiss him and wish him a happy birthday in person. Just typing that out, brings tears to my eyes. Like I said, he seems to be settling in ok. Hasn't been easy, but he is still there! We will see him on the 21st when we head out to WSU for family day!
Yesterday being the anniversary of 9/11 - a somber day around here, just like anywhere I guess. My kids were instructed to come home and ask us parents, "Where were you that day, and how did you feel?' I was at work, at a biotec company, sitting at my desk. The EH&S guy came running into the office, where I sat at my little cubicle, and said "A plane just flew into the World Trade Center!" me, not even putting two and two together, thought "the world trade center, how is that possible, it's only like two levels high!"..being a local, you will know I was thinking the WTC Boston. The company I worked at, the home offices were located at Rockefeller Center, which you know is just a few blocks away from where everything was happening. Our email, phones, all systems, were down pretty immediately. We went over to the main building, to the break room, just in time to watch the second plane fly into the other tower. I had never felt so helpless in my life. To describe the emotions I was feeling, I don't think I can put them into words. To bring you back a couple of days, I had spent the day just a few days earlier, at the dr's office, trying to confirm what was later to be my pregnancy with Samuel. After many ultra sounds, my dr was thinking my pregnancy was not viable, and I was to go back on the 11th,for a repeat ultrasound, and then to schedule a D&C. I didn't go to the dr's that day - but a couple days later, to find a strong heartbeat, and a viable pregnancy - something that gave me some hope and a reason to smile amidst the terror going on in the world. I stayed at work as long as I could that day, then rushed to pick Jeremy up at school. I remember sitting on my sofa the evening of 9/11, watching the news with Steve, an old friend, and Jeremy. When Jeremy finally begged us to "make it stop!", when they kept playing the footage over and over, I remember silently thinking to myself, "why am I even thinking of bringing another baby into this world, what am I doing!".. Much like the rest of the world, I spent the next couple days glued to the tv, crying, terrified out of my mind. I told my kids yesterday, a summary of what I just told you, and told them that I couldn't describe exactly how I felt that day, but I knew I never wanted to feel that way again, ever.
We are all back in the swing of "back to school" schedules and routines. It's been an easy adjustment for us this year, thankfully!
On the health front, I am feeling very frustrated. I have to look back at dates, but I am pretty sure I am about 7 weeks into MTX - and I still feel shitty. I am also discouraged because again, a phone call to my new dr has gone unanswered. Is it that hard to call a person back? In a moment of self doubt, I actually started to feel like an idiot for calling, wondering if maybe my complaints are just silly. I know they aren't, but was just giving my doctor an invalid reason for not calling me back. I have been pushing myself a lot lately. Not really taking some days to rest. I feel it at the end of a day, when I find myself in bed by 8pm because I just can't stay on my feet any more. These are the days that I spend some time getting very angry. Angry and sad. Wondering if this is how I am going to be, for the rest of my life. A tired, sore, bitter at times, half rate version of myself. I am sick of just not feeling good. Sick of feeling like a 95 year old woman. Sick. Of. It.
Just over two weeks until the Komen Race. To date, me, my sisters, and my kids have raised about $2,500 dollars! Thank you again for everyone's support, donations, and outright kindness! It's clear I will be *walking* this race, and not running like I had hoped. I would crawl on my hands and knees if I have to. The local newspaper is covering the race, and they contacted me this week, and asked if they could talk to me about why I am doing the race this year. I have an interview today over the phone - kinda neat if you ask me! :)
I had much more on my mind today, but I have to be off to rouse the troops and get them moving....
Be well,
mb
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