This is my 5th night of little to
no sleep since last Saturday. Being a person that has never slept good, at least in the last 20 years- you would think this is something I was used to. It's not so when your body is fighting a war against itself. I am in the midst of a "severe flare" in regards to my RA, or PsA, or to sum it up- inflammatory arthritis disease that is kicking the shit out of my body right now. To help you better understand- imagine falling feet first, off a 3 story building- and shattering both of your ankles. Imagine now, being expected to walk away from such an accident, no acceptable treatment, except the will to "get through it" . Now imagine having injured your back in the same accident, and again- not much you can do, but get through it. You can however, increase this one little miracle drug- in my case, this is called medrol. Medrol is responsible for my racing heart and extreme night sweats that are coupled with the pain I am having, which is keeping me awake tonight...er..this morning! (And last night,the night before., the night before that.....)
Right this very moment, I feel like I am fighting a battle I can not win. Right now, I am so angry that I feel like that! Because I know that things take time- I know this! But I have no patience. I know for a fact, if I don't have three little smiling faces to get up and take care of every single day- this disease would be close to beating me! And again, I am so angry for feeling like this- that I have to attribute this feeling of defeat to the exhaustion I am feeling after a long week!
Spent a deal of time back and forth on the phone with my rheumys office today. (See rant earlier...I was ready to kill someone!) I see her Tuesday, but as one of her NP's told me today, with the doubling of the steroid , I should hopefully be feeling "much better by then".. But for now I just have to "get through it" can I tell you how much I wanted to reach through my phone, grab this woman by the neck, throw her down a flight of stairs, and tell her to "get through it" I find even people in the medical field, who "get it"- really DON'T get it! And honestly- responding "I'm sorry" doesn't do a damn thing for me either. (I blame this small rant- yet again on the increase of steroid)
In about 16 hours, I will be giving myself my 4th MTX injection- rheumy says could take up to 8 more to be therapeutic- 8 more possible injections-8 weeks...I got this! This is a miracle drug for a lot of people- praying it ends up being mine too!
I am off now to break the second rule of sleeplessness- and turn
the TV on, with hopes of finding something I really have been looking forward to watching- so I can fall asleep and miss out on it! 😉
Until next time, be well!
Mb
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