the good news is out!

Benign!  What a wonderful, fabulous, happy word! 

I still do not know what is going to happen - all I know is that whatever this is - it is Benign.  I have a follow up with the surgeon on Thursday to see her suggestions, I will find out exactly what this mass is, and what the next step is.  Then, I will send all of my stuff to Mass General for my second opinion - and go from there! 

I was rattled with many phone calls, texts and emails asking if I had heard any news yesterday.  I realize that I brought that on myself by being very public with what was going on.  I don't regret it one bit.  I have had amazing support from family and friends, near and far.  Being open about this has served me well.  I don't think I can put into words how grateful I am for everything.  To have other people worry for me, and root me on, knowing that that many people care about me - I really have no words.  My heart is full : Thank you.


More tomorrow, when I know more!

be kind, be well!
xo
mb

Be a woman of substance. Be a real woman. It is difficult to break down a real woman because she will learn from her mistakes, gather her strength from her struggle and overcome the obstacles courageously...

tick tick tick....

Sunday night!  Made it through the weekend without going mad! :)  More so, just kept busy!  Hoping I get some news tomorrow, and dreading it all the same!  Thank you for the continued good thoughts.

Much love,
mb
xo

One day post biopsy...

Here I am, one day after.  I thought I would find a sense of calm once the biopsy was over. And maybe I did yesterday, or maybe I was just so busy afterwards, that I just didn't have time to sit and think about it.  Probably a good thing.  It wasn't until I went to bed, and found myself on a forum for women who are, or were going through the same thing as I am right now.  Many expressed their fears, and the feeling of being out of control in their mind, going through each day without really every connecting and knowing was going on around them.  This is all so true.  I feel like I have been walking around in a fog.  My house is being neglected, my children, my husband.  It would not shock me if my kids didn't finish half of their homework, or if they did poorly on their projects that were doing - because I simply wasn't "there".. Physically I was, but mentally, I have been in a different place. 

Here's my deal.  I feel like 92% good, that everything is going to turn out fine, and I am going to get a benign diagnosis.  I am still about 8% scared out of my mind, that I won't.   My head is filled with thoughts of the phone call I am going to get.  Where will I be?  Who will be with me?  (and 10 thousand other fucked up thoughts that I can't even type out!)

Most importantly what am I going to tell my kids? This is when I cry.  I have had very little emotion about this, apart from being afraid.  I have not excessively cried, or melted down.  My kids, are my weakness, and my fear is multiplied by a million when I think of them.  As of right now, only Jeremy knows what is going on.  I can tell that he is scared himself.  Checking in with texts and phone calls, that end in "I love you".  Yes, I know he loves me, but lets face it, at 18, he isn't telling me that everyday.  I want to protect him from my fears, but he is a man now, and I think this will be a good life lesson for him as well.  "Honor thy mother".  Honor her everyday, because you never, ever know what can come up. 

Today is Friday.  21 hours down, 51 "business" hours left until I possibly hear anything regarding my biopsy results.  I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my head, but I won't let it make me crazy.  Today Iwill clean my house, do my laundry, apply to colleges with Jeremy (SOB!), I will laugh with my friends, and maybe cry a little too.  I will hug my children, and tell them I love them.  I will be ok, no matter what comes my way.  I am strong!
 
Be well, and be kind!
xo
mb

Biopsy done!

whew.  I can wipe my brow and say I made it through this day!  I met with the surgeon today, very nice, sweet woman.  We discussed family history, my mass, etc.  She told me my mass was solid, and not huge, roughly 1-2cm's.  She also said it wasn't too suspicious, and she would guess with my age and good health, that it is probably some fancy name fibroidal (I made up fibroidal!) tissue.  It's reassuring of course, but you always have other outcomes as well. The biopsy went well.  I had a tech, a radiologist, and someone training in the room.  I thought I would be uncomfortable with someone else in the room, but honestly, after having natural childbirth x4, and having multiple people touch my boobs in the last 3 weeks, what's one more person?!  Now I wait 3-5 business days for results.  3-5 business days = torture!  I will say I feel pretty good about things, yes, I am still scared and worried, but I have SO many other things to occupy my time and mind, that I am going to do my best to not let this wait time stress me anymore than I have already stressed!

Anyhow...thank you again, for all the kind messages of love and support.  I am such a lucky girl!

Be kind.
xo
mb

Tuesday...

I originally titled this post "Monday"..but yay, it is Tuesday!

I found out today that I will not be able to get an appt at MGH prior to Thursday - big fat BOOO!

I have received many calls/texts/emails from so many supportive people! I am overwhelmed with emotion because of this.  I appreciate everything, and if  I do not directly respond to you, I apologize, but THANK YOU SO MUCH!

At times I feel almost silly for creating somewhat of a hype over this - because it will turn out to be a health scare, and nothing more.  But in reality, 2 people I know have scheduled mammograms since they have heard my story.  I think that is saying something!  Go get a mammogram ladies, and men, if you have a family history, it's a good idea to bring it up to your dr as well! Not just women have mammograms, get cysts, or God Forbid, Breast Cancer!  It's not prejudice, it effects everyone!

I've been keeping busy, not hard to do with 4 kids.  There are times when things are quiet, and I can't lie and say my mind doesn't wander, and I start to think of all the "what-ifs" .  Its a stressful, scary time, and I fucking hate it!

Thank you all again.

Be good!
xo
mb

It's only Sunday....

If you know someone in the position I am sitting in right now, and you ask them how they are doing, and they say "fine" or "good" : THEY ARE LIARS!  I am not good, I am not fine.  I am going out of my mind!  It's been 3 days since I made an appointment with the surgeon, that appointment is Thursday, and it's only Sunday!   These last 3 days have felt like a lifetime!  You look back, and you say, "Whoa, this last year flew by!"..Why can't I say that about the last three days?   The time you want to cherish, goes way too fast, and the time you want to just get the hell out of the way, just seems to drag on! Please, let the next week fly by, because I may go insane in the time being.

many thanks...

I can't express my gratitude to everyone for the outpouring of support I got yesterday.  So many people said far too many kind words about me.  I do appreciate it, so very much! Not to be over dramatic, but I still feel like I am walking around in a cloud.  Not much is phasing me, I am just going through the motions.  Looking forward to spending time with good friends and family this weekend, keeping my mind as busy as possible!

Be good.

xo
MB